How to Pretend You Like People When You’d Rather Be Home with Your Dog

Look, I’ll admit it—I’m not what you’d call a “people person.” In fact, most days I’d rather be rolling around in the backyard with my dog than engaging in awkward conversation with humans pretending they’re more interesting than they actually are. But life throws social obligations at us like a monkey flinging turds, and sometimes you just have to nod, smile, and act like you’re not mentally planning your escape route back to your couch and canine companion.

Here’s how I survive human interaction without completely losing my will to live:

1. Master the Nod-and-Smirk Combo

You don’t actually have to care what someone’s saying—just look like you do. Nod slowly. Smirk like you’re suppressing some deep thought. Maybe throw in a “That’s wild, man” or “Totally get that.” Boom. They think you’re engaged, you’re actually thinking about whether your dog is chewing your favorite shoe again.

2. Ask Questions You Don’t Care About

Small talk is a trap, but if you initiate it, you control it. Ask safe, generic questions like “How’s work?” or “Doing anything fun this weekend?” Then just zone out while they ramble. You’re not listening—you’re picturing your dog’s dumb happy face when you get home.

3. Carry a Dog Hair-Covered Hoodie

Nothing screams “I have better things to do” like showing up looking like you hugged a German Shepherd made of Velcro. It’s subtle protest. A signal to the world that while you’re physically present, your heart is curled up next to a slobbery tennis ball and a snoring Saint Bernard.

4. Perfect the Irish Goodbye

Sometimes pretending isn’t enough—you need to vanish. No long goodbyes, no “we should do this again.” Just slip out like a ghost who smelled bacon at home and didn’t feel like explaining himself. Your dog doesn’t ask where you went. He just loves you unconditionally, unlike Karen from accounting.

5. Use Your Dog as an Excuse. Always.

“Oh sorry, I can’t stay long—my dog gets anxiety if I’m gone too long.”

Translation: I get anxiety if I’m around you too long.

Nobody questions it. Dogs are pure. People are exhausting.

6. Channel the Dog Mindset

Dogs are honest. If they don’t like you, they don’t wag their tail. I’m not saying to growl at your boss, but stop faking it so hard. Be polite, sure, but protect your peace like a territorial Chihuahua. Social boundaries are self-care.

7. Set a Reward System

If you have to deal with people, make it worth it. For every hour of interaction, reward yourself with an hour of dog time. Ball throwing, head scratching, or just sitting silently while your dog breathes weirdly in his sleep. Whatever fills your tank. Just know that peace is coming.

Final Thought:

You’re not antisocial. You’re just pro-dog. There’s a difference. And in a world full of fake smiles and loudmouths, choosing your four-legged best friend over a group of overcaffeinated strangers is the most honest thing you can do.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve reached my limit for pretending to give a damn. My dog’s waiting. And unlike humans, he actually likes me back.