Oh Yay, My Brother’s Birthday… Said No One Ever

Yesterday was my brother’s birthday. Did the world stop spinning? Did parades roll down Main Street? Nope. Just another dramatic Facebook post from John, trying to make his solo adventures and midlife crisis sound like a Netflix documentary.

He wrote this long emotional message (see below) about how 54 was “life-changing.” He went to NYC (for the first time? groundbreaking), and he saw the Canadian side of Niagara Falls, like he just unlocked a secret level in life. Started the year unemployed, got a job he “really likes” now. Good for him. So does half the population who doesn’t write essays about it.

But of course, he had to squeeze in a pity parade—he discovered who his “real friends” are and how broken the world is. I guess going to Times Square and seeing a rat with a slice of pizza unlocked his inner philosopher.

He’s got “big” plans for the rest of the year too. PNC Park next month (probably in a $10 seat by himself), a vague “dream vacation” in September (likely another lonely trip), and Christmas in California with family. Key word: with family—you know, the same family he only bothers with when he needs a couch or a photo op to prove he’s not totally alone. They’re not a warm, supportive group—he just uses them as props in his “look at my meaningful life” storyline.

And the kicker? “If this is the last birthday I have, I’m happy.” Bro, you say that every year like you’re fading into the abyss. Yet somehow, you’re still here next July fishing for the same birthday sympathy.

So yeah—happy birthday, John. Hope the Facebook likes filled the void. Nobody cares about your solo sightseeing and “emotional growth.” We’re all just hoping you finally keep your dramatic posts to yourself next year.