Retirement: The Only Future I’m Looking Forward To

What are you most excited about for the future?

What am I most excited about for the future? One word: retirement. Sweet, glorious, no-more-alarm-clocks, pants-optional retirement. I’m not talking about some fake early-retirement-hustle culture crap either—I mean the real deal. No more clocking in. No more pretending to care. Just me, my dogs, my wife, a strong cup of coffee, and no obligation to deal with anyone’s nonsense.

Now don’t get me wrong—Meals on Wheels will leave a little hole in my day. I’ve met some good folks and made some solid connections, and yeah, delivering meals to people who truly need them gives you a sense of purpose. I’ll miss that part. But I won’t miss waking up early, dealing with busted-down trucks, or driving around in Ohio weather like a real-life game of Frogger with potholes.

But the real celebration? That’s reserved for my last day at Domino’s. Oh buddy… there will be a party. I’m talking balloons shaped like middle fingers, confetti that says “screw this,” and a playlist full of punk rock and victory anthems. No more dough, no more dishes, no more dealing with kids who think TikTok is a job qualification. Just freedom.

Retirement means geocaching whenever the hell I want. Sleeping in until my dogs wake me up. Actually enjoying fall without wondering who’s going to call off that weekend. It’s the light at the end of the pizza-scented tunnel.

So yeah, what am I most excited about for the future?

Not working.

And when that day comes, I’m throwing the kind of retirement party that gets talked about for years.