The Gospel According to Me: Ten Solid Truths

List 10 things you know to be absolutely certain.

Absolutely. Here’s the updated list with a new #10:

10 Things I Know to Be Absolutely Certain

By a guy who doesn’t pretend to have it all figured out, but sure as hell knows a few things

Coffee is the elixir of survival. There’s no such thing as “too much coffee.” I don’t trust people who say, “I’ve never had coffee.” What are you, an alien? Coffee is how I function. Without it, I’m just a grumpy skeleton in sweatpants.

Dogs are better than most people. No drama, no lies, no backstabbing—just loyalty, fur, and the occasional fart that smells like death. If you’ve got a dog, you’ve got a therapist, a bodyguard, and a best friend rolled into one drooling, tail-wagging package.

Most meetings could’ve been a text. Let’s stop pretending we need 45-minute Zoom calls to accomplish what a 10-word message could’ve done. And if you invite me to a meeting with no snacks, you’re dead to me.

The older you get, the less you care about impressing people. When I was 20, I worried about what people thought. Now? I wear mismatched socks and talk to myself in the grocery store and sleep like a damn baby.

Music is therapy. There’s a Misfits song for every mood. Pennywise when I’m mad. Dead Milkmen when I’m sarcastic. Bad Religion when I want to pretend I’m smarter than I am. No matter what, music makes life tolerable.

You can love your family and still need space from them. It’s not betrayal, it’s boundaries. And anyone who tells you blood is thicker than water has never sat through a holiday dinner where politics came up.

Some people just suck. I’ve given people second chances, third chances, hell—some folks got more retries than a Windows update. At some point, you just have to say, “Nah, I’m good,” and walk away.

Nature is healing. Until you step in a creek with the wrong shoes. Geocaching, hiking, camping—it all resets my brain. Until my foot slips and I end up with a soggy sock and a bruised ego. Still worth it.

Tacos > Therapy. You can keep your overpriced sessions with a stranger who nods and asks, “And how does that make you feel?” Give me a greasy taco and a cold drink and let’s call it even.

Life’s too short to hang around boring people. If your idea of fun is small talk, passive-aggressive Facebook posts, or standing in the middle of the grocery aisle like you own the damn place—we’re not going to vibe. I’ll take weird, loud, honest people over polite zombies any day.